I feel so confused. I really do not know what I am feeling or thinking.

I am sure that by now no one really reads my blog, so it is safer for me to write what i want.

the original purpose of me setting up this blog is to write freely on how i feel about issues. 
However, i find that i wasnt able to convey how i feel these few years on my feelings, especially on relationship issues, as it wasnt really fair for the whole world to be reading on the one sided opinion on my relationship issues.

Thus this blog became more and more un-updated.

I just dont feel happy recently, no matter what is being done.

Things are okay when I don think about them.
But when I do, I really doubt how things can carry on.

There are so many things, so many issues that I have not disclosed to u, things like how I feel internally.

There are really serious trust issues between us, which caused my trust in u deeply shaken.

There are so many atrocious things that I thought about, things that are so wrong about what u may be doing.

I cant helped it, i really cant control my mind to trust u.

i really cant think that u are true, no matter what is said and done.

Talking on the phone is fine, but once we met up, i cant help it but to show a grim and unsmiling face.

I cant bring myself to put up a front.

Things are better when u dont question them, cos when u dont, i can continue on doing this.

But when u do, I start questioning myself too, and deep inside, u and i both knew the answers.

I dont see how we can go back to the past.

I dont know if I am too hurt to care already, too numbed by relationships already.
Or maybe I had changed.
Or maybe is what has been done that caused all these changes.

Things are too hard for me, way too hard.

I cant smile, i cant act like nothing is wrong.


Even if u still feel that u can turn things right, u can change, u can do anything to accomodate me, i still dont see how it works out.
i really dont.

I just cant bring myself to look right into u, to tell myself that everythings right.
I cant bring myself to trust u when u are at sch, when u are with ur friends, when u are using ur phone and internet.

Its no longer jealously, its what we called, 'xin hui yi leng'.

Its some sort that I dont care what u may be doing behind my back anymore, 
some sort that I wont be caught surprise by all these acts if i happened to see them;
that they will just confirm my suspicion.
It just left me a feeling of chilliness, that u may be doing something behind my back again.

We didnt patched because i put it all over us.

Until now, I cant forget everything.

all the feelings that we once shared had ceased.

we both felt a sense of unfamiliarity clouding over us, like we are strangers.
'so near, yet so far'.
we do not know how to communicate to each other.

we have no idea what to say to each other to prevent awkward silences.

we have to try so hard to get back to the past feelings, which is futile.

perhaps it really is time for u to let us go.

we are both really tired.

maybe u just have to learn from this relationship, and not to repeat the same mistakes u make on this for the next.

Because we are really beyond repair.